Father's Day at the Nationals Baseball Game
“How have you been getting along this week?” I asked Hayden during our usual Sunday morning phone chat today.
“We’ve had a great week together,” Hayden told me. “Austin is a lot of fun.” I was taken by surprise expecting he might say it had been hard being a single parent and trying to do all the usual chores.
“The mornings have been a bit hectic and I’ve gotten to work later than usual,” he admitted , “but Austin has been good. He liked his new day camp all week. We played tennis together yesterday and he had a birthday party to go to in the afternoon.”
Jessica has been away in Kenya and Uganda for 10 days on a work trip. Hayden does quite a bit of traveling in his job, but they are never away at the same time. It’s remarkable to see how they manage on their own, single parenting when they have to.
Hearing Hayden’s positive response today gave me a real lift. Why? All week I had worried that we should have gone to spend the weekend in Washington to relieve him of the dog walks and entertain Austin to give him a break. I had mentioned coming once or twice but Hayden didn’t urge us to do that as he said “you’ve just been gone in France and were here in May…no need”. We have gone to Washington many times when Austin was younger. Jessica would always say to me “I’m so relieved you are coming to stay because I don’t feel so guilty being away.” Then she would leave detailed instructions for food to prepare for Austin and everything else he required. I would follow it all just as she told me to.
Austin is 5 now and I’ve suddenly realized that this all is changing. No need for special baby foods or instructions anymore. Austin understands and is now used to his parents’ travels. He knows that Mommy or Daddy will be back. He has a world map on the wall in his bedroom and each time one or the other of his parents is on a trip they mark where they have gone and trace a line back to Washington D.C. If you ask Austin where Mommy is he nonchalantly will say “Kenya!” Or if you ask “Where is your Daddy?” He might answer “Bangladesh!” He’s quite a worldly child growing up in a global environment.
When our conversation ended this morning I began to think about the “fine line” we walk being grandparents now. On the one hand, we want to continue to be a part of our adult children’s lives but know that they need their time and space as a family without us around. I remember how we were at their age with an only child, Hayden, being a close knit family, living far from relatives, and yet staying connected. I also had a sudden insight into the “up” side of temporary single parenting as Jessica and Hayden experience quite often. It gives them time alone to enjoy and know their son.
Often during our Sunday phone chats Hayden will ask us, “So what have you been up to this week?” Art will talk about his volunteer jobs, or mention a movie or two we’ve been to. I will tell him we took a long hike or that we are planning another trip for a few months from now. Hayden will always say “that sounds like a great idea…or I’ll put that movie on our list…or ask how many miles we hiked.”
Today I added “We decided not to buy a new dining room table and chairs as we had talked about but are planning an extra trip instead. We were thinking of Amsterdam.”
“Great! Hayden said. “You can do a day trip to Delft where I was last fall. It’s a beautiful town in Holland.”
Hayden is always interested in our lives but he is also pleased knowing we have a life of our own in our retirement years that has evolved beyond our parenting days.
Today I reminded myself how important it is to have a life of one’s own as we grow older and not become dependent on our adult children to fulfill us. We are fulfilled just by their existence and by knowing they are thriving and enjoying parenthood. At age 5, Austin is loved and secure and knows us no matter when we see him or how much time we spend with him.
“You must be counting the days till Jess comes home,” I told Hayden towards the end of our conversation.
“Yes,” he admitted, “but I’ve enjoyed being with Austin all week. I am so grateful to have such a wonderful son.”
“We felt the same when you were growing up,” I told him.
Graduation from PreK at Miner
